#21: to every woman who has rejected my belief in you.

It’s not that I don’t want you to say these things to me. It’s just impossible for me to hear. I don’t want to believe you. I can’t believe you. I know you’re being genuine; that’s just who you are. Please stop being so nice to me. I just want to look like I’m strong, so that no one will find out how much anxiety I have just waking up. When I step out of that door after fixing my hair a million times, I already know something is wrong. After I’ve done my makeup and missed a spot, I can already see the looks in my head. Those looks of imperfection; the eyes watching me from front to back. Every time a cute guy passes by, I just want him to know I’m a catch. I’ll do anything to believe that some amazing guy could love a lowly, wretched girl like me. But every time you say things, every time you do things for me…I just want to do this on my own. I don’t need your help. I am independent, strong, unbreakable. That’s what I want you to believe, anyway. For you to tell me these things…is for you to see through me. You can’t do that. I won’t let you. I won’t let you know how broken I am, how insecure, how afraid I am to step into the world without constantly being judged. You say you believe in me – and you actually show it. Why can’t everyone be like you? I admire you, and your unfailing belief in doing the right thing. And yet you keep saying you believe in me. Well, this is why I won’t accept your compliments, or your gifts: I just simply don’t deserve it. If I did, you wouldn’t be the only one trying to stop making me feel this way.