Oh trust me, it’s not charming good looks or tall stature that will impress her. (You have none of those and never will.) Nope, the only thing that’ll possibly breathe life back into your heart (as if you had one, because, let’s face it: your heart is as good as a dog’s) is a master’s degree in pop culture. Yes, that thing you hate to know so much. All those good things you were doing in life: waste of time. You honestly thought environmentalism, legal aid, and malnutrition were causes so much more important than Rocky Horror, Justin Bieber, and Stranger Things? I’m still laughing at the fact you dropped $3,000 on Lasiks so that getting rid of glasses would make you look less of a desperate 7th grade nerd who still got asked to do everyone’s homework. (15 years from now and you’ll wished you had that $3,000 to buy another pair of glasses.) You can’t even impress the video gamer girls, and you look like you would be playing video games all day. If you can’t make time to study what everyone else is besides saving the world, fine. They won’t save you. But, um, keep picking up trash off the curbs and recycle this bottle for me, eh? Oh yeah, California says I get 40 cents for that.